Four Years Later

Four years ago, I was pregnant with the twins, home on bed rest, watching every single second of the Olympics. (I'd never wish 10 weeks of bed rest on anyone, but the timing of mine couldn't have been more ideal!).  It has taken me 4 years to finally put this story in writing.

I have put off writing this story many times for various reasons.  I think as a mother, we never want to show our weaknesses.  We often put on a front that everything is OK, when maybe it isn’t always. Yet, we see lots of other mothers balancing jobs, 2 to 3 kids, and a wonderful marriage and think we should be able to do the same thing too.  In all honesty, I’ve realized that no one is flawless-it took me a while to come to this realization however.  It's OK to be vulnerable.  

I am pretty certain now, without a doubt, that I suffered some version of PTSD after the birth of my twins.  At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but maybe if I had read other stories similar to mine, it would have made more sense. 

Without going into too many details, the birth of my twins was not what I thought it would be.  After a perfect labor and delivery of my first child, I expected the same.  It wasn’t.  Surprisingly, my contractions were manageable with the twins and I didn’t feel a need for any pain medication. However, knowing that there is a slight possibility that after I delivered one twin a c-section would be needed, I wanted to have an epidural in place for the anesthesia.  This was mistake number one.  It wasn’t in the correct location and I nearly passed out when my blood pressure dropped. This happened twice so I never did receive any pain medication through it.  Then as luck would have it, at change of shift for the nurses, it was go time.  Per protocol for the hospital, I had to deliver in the OR.  This was absolutely the most uncomfortable place to deliver, and the amount of people shoved inside that tiny OR was absurd.  If I wasn’t in such a hurry to deliver these babies, I would have asked some people to leave.  Baby A was delivered rather quickly and I was able to briefly see her and hear a little whimper before she was rushed across the hall to where the neonatologist was.  My husband left my side to go with her.  That was absolutely gut-wrenching.  Knowing I carried this little girl for 8 months, (they were 5 weeks early), I wanted to be the first to hold her. Instead some stranger, whose voice she had never heard, held her before I did.  I didn’t get that skin to skin contact mothers anxiously wait for, or have the opportunity to see her eyes open and gaze up at me while she rested on my chest.  My labor continued, without any familiar face around me or hand to hold, as my husband was 25 yards away from me making sure our little girl was OK. 

Lauren

Baby B’s delivery took a little longer and was definitely not pain-free. I still remember asking the anesthesiologist if he could give me something to take the edge off and my OB stating “you must be doing OK because you would really be feeling what I’m doing down here.”  I was furious that he didn’t believe I was in pain because I wasn’t screaming out.  Eleven minutes after Baby A was born, Baby B was born.  I don’t think I was even shown his face, or if I did, I don’t remember that moment at all.  Like Baby A, he was whisked away across the hall to be tended to by strangers.  Justin joined him over there and was able to go up to the NICU while I laid on the OR table being tended to.  I don’t think I had ever felt more alone at that moment; my best friend and the two newest additions to our family were separated from me.  

If I thought that was the most challenging part of this journey, it definitely wasn't.  Leaving the hospital two days later while without my two children was very challenging.  I felt so empty and incomplete.  For nearly 10 weeks, I laid supine eating nothing but protein, drinking an absurd amount of water, attempting to limit my trips to the bathroom, and getting through the horrible complications of intrahepatic cholestasis to keep these babies growing to limit complications of prematurity. I didn't change their first diaper or do their first bath.  My voice wasn't the last voice they heard before they fell asleep, nor was it the first voice they heard when they awoke for a middle of the night feeding.  Instead, miles away at home, I attached myself to the pump every two hours staring at pictures of my two little ones on my phone, just wishing they were home with me.

After getting my oldest ready for school in the morning, I would make the trek to the hospital, hoping to find a parking spot before being buzzed back to the NICU just in time for the neonatologist to make rounds.  I found these mornings very frustrating as my twins continued to take steps backwards rather than forwards.  Because my blood type is O- and Justin's is A+, they both had a positive coomb's test.  For days and days, we watched as their bilirubin levels increased.  I questioned every day why they weren't being placed under the bili lights until finally a different neonatologist came through and finally ordered them.

My time holding and caring for the twins was already limited as we wanted them to rest as much as possible so they could focus all their energy on eating their bottles or nursing but that time decreased even more when they were placed under the lights.  Since their bilirubin levels were so high, they were both under the lights for 3 days. Finally their sun bathing days were over and we could focus on feeding.

If you have ever had a preemie, this is the most frustrating process.  Each child had to consume a certain number of milliliters at each feeding. If he or she failed to finish their bottle, the rest would be gavaged through a feeding tube.  (Watching a feeding tube be placed down your little ones nose is an experience I wish I would have left the room for).  Day after day, bottles weren't finished, gavages were warranted, and my frustration grew.

I spent my days doing as much of their care as I could after they were out of the bili lights:  Changing diapers, checking their temperature, moving their pulse oximeter probe from foot to foot and silencing alarms when I probably wasn't supposed to but I.Was.So.Sick.Of.The.Beeping!  While they slept, I pumped attempting to find as much privacy as I could in their room, drank water and ate meals in the cafeteria.  And I prayed.  I just wanted my family under one roof.

Many evenings, Justin and Alena would come for a visit and we'd eat dinner in the cafeteria before the three of us would head home.  It was a struggle balancing my time between home with my other child and husband, and being at the hospital with the twins.  I knew having two new babies in the mix was going to be an adjustment for A, and I wanted her to know I was still her mommy so I spent many evenings at home caring for her before I would head back to the hospital after she went to sleep.

Every day I left that hospital without those two was heartbreaking.  These two weeks were the hardest two weeks of  my life. I would have done 20 weeks of bed rest, if it would have prevented 2 weeks of NICU stay.  Emotionally, I was a mess.  I was short tempered with everyone and felt like nobody knew what I was going through.  I only ate because I knew I needed calories to make breast milk.  I felt like that was all I was good for; producing milk for my preemie twins, because I wasn't able to care for them at home yet.  And I cried.  A lot.  Throughout this whole process, many people asked how the twins were doing, but no one bothered to ask how I was doing.  Honestly, I felt like I was drowning.  The only thing keeping me above water, was knowing the babies were healthy and would soon be coming home.  It just couldn't come soon enough for me.

It's always hard for me to adjust to something if it doesn't go the way I expect is to.  This was another example of that.

After a week, I had to do something. I couldn't keep sitting in their room, getting frustrated after every feeding they didn't finish, so I went back to work.  I love my job and knew I just needed to focus on something else.  My employer was so accommodating throughout my weeks of bed rest, allowing me to come back to work at this time, and still allowing me to take time off after the twins were home.  (My co-worker was also pregnant with twins at the same time and also ended up on bed rest with premature twins).

Finally after a little over 2 weeks in the NICU, I got a phone call one morning saying Caleb was ready to be discharged that day.  I was elated and dropped what I was doing and headed to the hospital.  Lauren came home two days later.  It was great to finally have my whole family together.

Car seat test-Caleb came home a couple days later

Caleb's first day home

It took months before I wasn't anxious every time I drove by that hospital, looking up at the windows where I laid for 3 weeks on hospital  bed rest, staring at the same 4 walls day after day. I still have anxiety when I go into that hospital. Thankfully that isn't the hospital I work at. I took a trip there about a month ago to see my aunt who was having surgery.  It was hard to walk through the main entrance.

I know I'm so grateful to have 2 healthy almost 4 year olds who had a short NICU stay and my complications could have been much worse.  Focusing on that has helped me get through this whole experience.  It is hard to believe we will be celebrating their 4th birthday in a little over a month!  

Family Vacation

We went back and forth about what to do for a family vacation this summer. I know some people plan extravagant vacations, traveling around the country, flying to different resorts, or cruising the ocean on a big boat.  That's just not us.  Maybe some day when the kids are older and the trip will be more memorable, but for now we want to keep things simple.

We also went back and forth about going south or north and decided to travel north to Minneapolis for a long weekend.  As many people know, Justin and I are big planners.  In fact I know it's probably pretty annoying to some people the degree of planning we do...

Surprisingly we planned this trip relatively quickly, booked a hotel, and waited for the weekend to arrive.

The kids were so excited for our vacation. In fact, even when we were on vacation, Caleb kept asking when we were going to be at vacation in "Missisota."

We woke up early Friday morning and left the house a little after 8 to head to the Minnesota Children's Museum. I had very high hopes for this as we loved the Children's Museum in Omaha. There was not as much to do at this one and I wasn't as impressed with it but the kids were entertained for a good 4 hours or so.

After checking into the hotel, we went to the Mall of America to walk around for a bit and then did dinner out before swimming at the hotel pool.

I always dread sleeping in a hotel with my kids.  It's usually guaranteed to be a poor night of sleep.  The kids brought their sleeping bags and decided to all crash on the floor, leaving the two beds to Justin and I.  Because of the excitement of the trip it took them all a while to fall asleep and Lauren was up a couple times during the night with various complaints.  Of course, she was up early at 5:30 so that meant we were all up early.  Her internal alarm clock has been set at this time for weeks now. I need to learn how to turn that back an hour...

Since we were all up early, we went to breakfast and then hit the pool for a bit before getting ready for the day. We spent Saturday at the Mall of America which was perfect because it was so hot outside. I haven't been to this place in years and was overwhelmed by the size.  (I need to plan a trip there sans kids for some shopping!).

Since it was such an early morning for us, we were one of the first at the mall, ("First ones here, first ones here!").  They were anxious to try out some of the rides so we bought some tickets and went at it.  They loved the bumper cars, even though Lauren just went around and around and around because she couldn't figure out how to drive.  She also wanted to ride on the big-go-upside-down roller coasters that adults ride, and was quite upset when I told her she couldn't.  She is definitely my dare devil.  A few rides Caleb and Lauren needed an adult to be with them so Justin and I had to ride along. I used to love thrill rides. Not anymore. Even just spinning around and around on the Bubble Guppies ride was enough to make me want to puke!

After a few rides we headed up to the Rainforest Cafe for lunch.  I haven't eaten at this place for years. It was just as I remembered and the kids loved the thunderstorm that came every 22 minutes :).    There was so much to keep them entertained that it was a very successful lunch for all.

We then decided to try out a few more rides and enjoy a little time at the Lego store.  They probably could have spent quite a bit of time there as they had a variety of different sized legos for them to play with. Each kid got to pick out one thing from the mall. Caleb picked a lego set and the girls picked stuffed animals, (as if we don't have enough...).

We also decided to check out one of the many candy stores in the mall, It's Sugar.  This is probably not a great idea with two three year olds who have trouble keeping their hands out of the candy jar...If you can imagine lots and lots of plastic containers with accessible lids full of sugary goodness that is what this store had.  Let's just say the employees were really happy when we left that store, with a bag full of candy for each kid. It's a rare treat for them so they savored every piece, (and I may have gotten in trouble for stealing a couple pieces from their bags).

We left the mall and while the kids napped in the car I did a little shopping at a local outlet mall before heading back to the hotel for more swimming and dinner.

We spent our last day at the Minnesota Zoo. I haven't heard any reviews about this zoo so was anxious to check it out.  I feel like we have been to many different zoos recently and the kids always enjoy going, (as do I), so I was anxious to see what this one had in store.

We took a chance and didn't bring a stroller/wagon hoping the kids were old enough to walk the entire zoo.  Although we did end up carrying the twins a couple times, (mostly Lauren), we were able to see most of the zoo.  The zoo is very nice, and pretty spread out which did require quite a bit of walking. I was really impressed with it and would definitely plan another trip there.  They have a few different play areas for the kids, including a little splash pad that many kids were enjoying.

It was a very successful vacation and I'm so glad we went when we did as our summer is quickly filling up with activities.  Lauren and Caleb's favorite part was the "hot pool" at the hotel and Alena said she enjoyed all of it.  I guess the twins would be happy just staying in a hotel, anywhere!

Spring Update

It's been a crazy month or so in our household.  Here is a quick update:

Alena has 2 days left of Kindergarten. How is this even possible?  She surprises me so much with how quickly she picks up on things and I love how interested she is.  She loves to read and is working on spelling words now.  I'm brainstorming on things to do this summer to keep her motivated with reading and learning.  She is so excited to be a 1st grader!

Along with school she is currently a three sport athlete, (what was I thinking?!).   Five out of the 7 days a week we are busy with activities.  I can't imagine doing this with three kids. Just having one child involved in activities is making our calendar full.  Soccer practice and soccer games, t ball games twice a week and gymnastics once a week keeps us busy.  She loves all of it though and Justin and I enjoy watching her participate.  Obviously we are both huge sports fans so anything that has to do with sports we enjoy. Even sitting in the freezing cold watching 5 and 6 year olds fight over a baseball that was hit just a few feet from the tee is enjoyable.

Caleb and Lauren have been troopers with coming to their sister's events. Mostly they enjoy playing on the playground or wrestling each other but at least they are present, right? :).  It's actually really fun watching just the two of them when they are together.  Their relationship is very different when big sis is not around.  This is when I really cherish having twins.

Crazy kids went swimming at Big Creek last weekend

The twins had their spring sing a few weeks ago and I was unable to attend but came to their music class earlier in the day so I could listen to their songs. All morning, Lauren kept complaining that her stomach hurt and she wanted to go home. It was worse when I was there.  She was quite upset about everything.  When it came time for the performance, she didn't sing a single word and sat with her teacher the whole time. (Caleb did awesome!).  After it was all over she was just fine. I think this lady has a little bit of her mom's anxiety and nervousness!  Yikes!  Can it start this early?

I've been busy training for Dam to Dam.  With the move to the new house, there are no street lights so I had to purchase some running gear for the early morning runs.  Justin got me a new Garmin watch for Mother's Day which makes going out for a run even easier.   (Before I would have to drive the route to determine distance).  Have I mentioned how ideal our location is?  I love running through Jester Park. This weekend I drove a short drive into Polk City and ran around Saylorville Lake, (well, not ALL the way around...). I love all the trails nearby.

Trying out my running gear

I also had a little eye surgery about a month ago. It was really simple BUT I had quite the black eye and swelling for over a week.  You would never imagine the number of concerns and questions I had from people.  I had three people ask me if I was safe at home, (including one of the physicians I work with-how embarrassing!).  A few people thought my injury was caused by one of my kiddos and one of my patients asked if it occurred during rough sex. Seriously that was maybe one of the most awkward moments of my life!

This was day #2-it got worse as the week went on...

Things are going to slow down soon and I'm really looking forward to the summer, (even though every weekend is already booked...).

The Money We Couldn't Spend

Fifteen years ago, I lived in an apartment with my good friend Lisa.  We were both completing our Junior and Senior years of nursing school at the University of Iowa.  Conveniently, our boyfriends lived together in the same apartment complex just down the hall from us.

We have so many wonderful memories from those two years living together.  Since the day we met in our first college class she has been a dear friend of mine.  What is even more enjoyable is that whenever the four of us get together, it's always a great time.  I cherish our lasting friendship.

While we were living together, we collected our cans and deposited them, storing the money in a plastic zip-lock bag.  By the end of the two years, we had collected about $40-50.  We decided we would spend the money the next time we got together.  Then life happened.

Robert and Lisa got married, we got married and well, we moved away from each other.  That plastic bag of money stayed stashed in the console of Justin's truck.

We still got together every once in a while, both having season tickets to the Iowa football games we spent many games together, tailgating and cheering for the Hawks.  When we would get together in Oskaloosa or Des Moines, we never seemed to remember the money we had stashed away so it never got spent.

One particular tailgating experience, we were with the Nelson's and some of their friends from Oskaloosa.  After a few cocktails, we decided to order pizza from Wig and Pen, (delicious pizza by the way!), because we were tailgating across the street from the restaurant.  Justin called in the order and surprisingly we had the truck with us so decided to finally use the money we had been saving all those years.

He walked across the street to the restaurant and came back with two large pizza boxes, a grin on his face and ALL the money left in the zip-lock bag.

Apparently the pizza order was ready for "Dustin" when he got there but nobody came and actually collected money from him.  After waiting at the restaurant for a while, he just walked out.  (It's always a joke of ours that his second name is Dustin).   So we weren't able to spend the money that day. It went back into the truck console for another time.

Then Robert and Lisa started their family, followed a couple years later with Justin and I starting our family.  Then, life got busy.

We would still get together every few months, attending our little one's birthday parties, meeting each other at the Tulip Festival or just going out to dinner.  We never seemed to remember the money. It moved with us from Iowa City to North Liberty to Clive, (where we lived with  my aunt and uncle until we bought our first house).  Then it came with us to Urbandale, back to Clive, up to Ames and now Granger.

Last Summer the Nelsons moved into a beautiful house in Oskaloosa.  This house is perfect for them and I know they are very happy there. We ventured down for a day/night and remembered to bring the money along. We ordered pizza and finally used some of it as a "congrats on your new house" party.  We decided that after our house was completed they would come up so we could spend the rest of the money.

This past Saturday we finally made time to get together. It was a beautiful afternoon. We spent a ton of time at Jester Park which I love more and more each time we go there.  The kids were entertained on the playground for a while and then enjoyed the natural playscape before we decide to do a little hiking on the trails (we have never done this).  We may have gotten a little off the trail, (does that surprise you?), and Alena got a little poison ivy on her leg but it was a fun adventure.

For dinner we really wanted to do Texas Roadhouse but even at 4:30 PM the wait was nearly 2 hours (seriously!?), so we tried out a place my cousin raves about.  It doesn't have a great selection for kids but I loved the salad I got.  I was in such a hurry to get hydrocortisone cream for Alena's leg when we stopped at home that I forgot to grab the bag of money...

So the money remains.  I guess we will try to spend it again next time...

The 5 Kiddos

Whew, What A Week

It's been an emotional, crazy busy week; one of those weeks where you have no idea what day it is or what you are supposed to be doing but you keep trekking on.

Code Blue:  Every two years, I have to renew my CPR certification.  It's been years since I've had to utilize these skills but it's required for my job. When I was an ICU nurse, I was also ACLS certified meaning we learned what medications to push, when to shock a patient, and more advanced skills that we intervened with when needed.  I was involved in many Code Blue situations while working as a nurse, but surprisingly only performed chest compressions one time.  I can still remember exactly what room I was in...

Becoming a nurse practitioner, I doubted I would ever be involved in a Code Blue situation.  I was completely wrong.  Dialysis patients are fragile and since I've started this position nearly 6 years ago, we have had a handful of patients we have had to call 911 or code blue on.  I was never at the unit during these times however

Lat week, I happened to be walking out of the office heading to the dialysis center next door when I heard the Code Blue call over the intercom. I ran in and immediately saw chaos.  I quickly assessed the situation, realized my patient didn't have a pulse or was breathing and started chest compressions.  Thankfully the hospital has a Code Blue team so soon after that, about a dozen people ran into the unit to help assist with the code.  It took a good couple days for me to get those pictures out of my mind.  I would be OK if I never had to do that again.

Conference:  Alena had her second Kindergarten conference this week. Justin was quick to remind me we only have 24 more conferences to go...Her competitive nature has helped in her reading and she is enjoying it so much!

Passing Out:  A couple nights ago, I was away for a girl's night out and Justin was home with the kids. He wasn't feeling well so went to bed right after getting all the kids into bed and he was asleep when I got home.  Around midnight, he woke up and was sitting on the side of the bed. I am the lightest sleeper ever so I woke up right away.  He has a history of doing weird things in his sleep, (taking pictures off the wall, putting on clothes thinking it is morning, etc).  I figured he was having one of those moments and asked him what he was doing.  He mumbled something and I sort of giggled because he often talks nonsense during these moments too.  He mumbled again and I still didn't hear him. Finally for the third time, I understood "I don't feel good."  He said he was going to sit there for a bit so I laid back down.

I then felt him stand up and watched him stand in the doorway of the bathroom, with his hands on the door jam.  The next thing I know he is falling backwards. He clocked his head on our platform bed and was out cold!  After screaming at him, shaking his head and checking his pulse he finally came to.  Scary episode #2 of the week.  He is still experiencing concussion-like symptoms.

Freezer Meals:  I've always wanted to attend one of those freezer meal get togethers and had the chance to this week.  Over the past year, I've been getting together with a group of friends in Ames once a month.  Typically this involves cocktails, dinner and chit chat but this month we decided to do something different.  We met at a Hy-Vee in Ames and prepared 5 freezer meals.  The experience was much different than I thought it would be and I'm not sure I would do it again but the company was great and we did have a good time.

Joey:  I know many have been following this emotional story. I am so sad to hear of her passing but as Rory's post states, she is home and no longer suffering.  I cried many tears after one of his posts this week.  I love his writing and his photography and there is no doubt I will continue to follow his blog.

http://thislifeilive.com/a-dream-come-true/


MIA:  Our furry child is missing.  He sometimes gets outside but is always waiting on the deck for breakfast in the morning. He didn't show up this morning.  And he still hasn't appeared.  This is not good.  I'm not ready to have THAT discussion with my three kiddos yet.  (Milo, I'm sorry for all the times at yelled at you when you chewed up my flip flops, or scratched my woodwork, or pooped on the floor or dug your nails in my carpet.  Please come home!).

From doing chest compressions, watching your husband pass out, possibly having to tell your children their kitty is gone and a family member having surgery, I am ready for things to slow down.

Who is ready for next week?  Me!

Hearing

Can you imagine what it would be like if you couldn't hear?  You would miss out on those high-pitched giggles from your children, whispered sweet nothings from your spouse, and the joy of hearing your preschooler's first music concert.

I have two deaf dialysis patients, both whom I've gotten to know fairly well.  Lately I've realized what a challenging life they may lead, living in a world where technology and communication is developed for those without any hearing impairment.

Both of these patients lost their hearing when they were very young so living as hearing impaired is all they know. Ironically both are parents, and at least one spouse is also deaf.  Can you imagine not being able to hear your child crying?  How challenging would it be to sleep at night, knowing you wouldn't wake when your little one needed you?

They say that when you lose one sense, your other 4 senses kick in and make up for it.  Possibly they had a different sense that was stimulated when their little one was in need.

So many of us multi-task when talking to someone.  Being hearing impaired would be difficult because you would need to utilize your hands for communication.

One of my patients sends and receives text messages from friends that have videos of them signing messages.  She said this is her primary way of communicating with friends, along with text messages and emails.  I suppose this is an example where technology has possibly helped expanded her ability to communicate.

I primarily communicate with her by writing messages. I grab some paper, a pen, and start writing.  I always have to allot extra time for her as communicating this way takes twice as long.  She is able to read lips but has some difficulty with this.

I can't help but wonder that she is missing out on so much, not being able to hear the world around her.  Specifically, she is not able to listen to music. I find listening to music so enjoyable and I turn my radio or Pandora on whenever I have a chance.  However, I've read that the hearing impaired can feel the vibrations of music which still allows them to "hear" the music.  Beethoven was still able to compose music even as his hearing declined which again emphasizes the significance of our other senses.

Cochlear implants are becoming more and more popular.  I love watching videos of little ones after this surgery, when the implants are turned on and they hear their mother's voice for the first time.  What a joy to see what science can do.

https://youtu.be/ZDD7Ohs5tAk

These situations help me realize we cannot take our health for granted.  We should cherish our ability to hear the sweet voices of our children, the off-tune singing of our spouses, the welcome bark of our dogs, and alarms that sound to signal danger.  Our lives would be much different if we couldn't.

A Basketball Weekend

Last weekend was full of basketball.  We attended our first Woodward Granger sporting event when we headed to the girl's basketball game at the high school.  Alena had signed up for a dance clinic and performed at the halftime of the game.  She had a great time and it was cute watching all of the performances.  This was my first trip to Woodward.  It was weird sitting in the gymnasium thinking that this is where we may watch our children play sports.  I still love the small town feel of this school and we were able to mingle with our neighbors that live directly behind us during the game.

Saturday morning, Alena had her first basketball practice.  While I entertained two 3 year olds, I occasionally caught a glimpse of her working on different drills.  She was one of only 3 girls who went out for basketball and by far the tallest of all the kids.  I'm sure the other kids will catch up to her soon.

We went home quick for an early lunch and then headed to Ames for the Women's Iowa State basketball game.  Alena was chosen to be the Honorary Captain for the game which meant she needed to be there ahead of time to participate in some special things. She was able to be in the locker room with the team and coach, tour the training room and media room and get her picture on the big screen with her name announced. She was so excited and had a great time.  What a special day for her!

Media Room

Men's Locker Room

Clone Cone!

We ended the weekend by enjoying another sport, football, with a little Superbowl Party.  This was one of those weekends where I am exhausted come Sunday night but it was all worth it. We squeezed a ton in and everyone had a fabulous time.  I am ready for some outdoor activities though-come on Spring!

A few random pics of our adventures this winter:

Swimming at the "Pirate Pool" (We will definitely do this again next winter)

This boy refused to stand still for a picture...

She loves ice skating!