Summer Fun

Well it's hard to believe summer is over already and school is back in session. The twins have a birthday around the corner and football is underway.

We've had a fun, eventful summer. Here are some highlights.

June:

I spent a week off with Alena enjoying her first summer vacation away from school.  We did a little shopping, went to the library and made a trip to the zoo with Tessa.

Later in the month, we took our trip to Minnesota which is detailed on a previous post.

We spent a weekend in Riverside to enjoy Trek Fest.  The kids loved the parade and the demo derby and I participated in the first 5K they have ever had.  It was a hot weekend so lots of cannon balls into Uncle Jerod's pool were done.

July:

We ventured out with the twins to Yankee Doodle Pops.  Alena was with Grandma and Papa for the week so we thought just taking two kids would be a piece of cake.  We were wrong!  Justin and I had met up with some friends after work for a couple drinks and were maybe a little late picking up the kids. Their teachers thought it would be fun to feed them Skittles.  About 30 minutes after we got to the concert, they were bouncing off the wall.  We just couldn't figure out what was going on until finally one of them mentioned they had skittles.  Needless to say we didn't stay long and skittles have been added to our "do not feed our twins___"  list!  . Some day I'll see the firework display that is commonly talked about...

Maybe one of my favorite pics of these two

For the 4th, we headed to Madison and had a great time. My brother and sister in law belong to a swim club that is within walking distance from their house. We spent a few hours there every day and Alena even was brave enough to go off the diving board.  We spent a little time at the Madison Arboretum and downtown on campus which is beautiful. I could see myself going to school there.  Maybe I need another degree.  Their neighborhood had a kid's parade and a picnic to celebrate the 4th  so on a whim we helped the kids decorate their bikes to ride in the parade.

We didn't see any fireworks in Madison but Justin, Alena and neighbor Regan ventured out the night of the 4th to see some in a nearby town.

A week later we continued the tradition of going back to Grundy Center for Felix Grundy Days.  We met Justin's brother, sister in law and 2 youngest there. It's always great when the kids can have cousin time with both sides of the family.

Later in the month we finally made it to an I cubs game and my parents were able to join us. We did dinner out at Fuzzy Tacos, (which I highly recommend), and then enjoyed the beautiful weather at the game. It was perfect and the kids had a blast. As they get older, it's so much easier and more enjoyable to do things.

Alena did the Iowa Games again this year-the long jump, 100m and 200m

Where our house is located, we have access to many small towns. We love giving back to the small towns and hadn't had a chance to eat at the pizza place in Polk City.  We met my cousin, her husband and their two kids at Papas Pizzeria one Friday evening.  It was great and definitely a place we would go back to.  Afterwards we enjoyed the cute park in the middle of the town square and were even greeted by the local policeman who brought stickers to the kids.

Speaking of little towns, we also enjoyed the local ice cream places in Grimes and Madrid.

Alena really wanted to go to Adventureland this summer. Honestly, I could do without theme parks. Which is crazy as we used to travel around the Midwest with two good friends going to every theme park.  As I've gotten older my stomach just can't handle it anymore.  Knowing the twins would be free since they were 3, we took a chance and we all took a day off work/school and went to the park.   We spent 11 hours at that place.  A few times I felt like I was going to lose my lunch but all in all we all had a great time. Honestly, I would go just to spend time at the water park.  I learned that Alena isn't as daring as I thought, Lauren is more daring than I thought, (and just couldn't understand why she couldn't ride the roller coasters), and Caleb has a stomach much like mine on rides that go around and around.  

We love having easy access to two different lakes, Big Creek and Saylorville. We spent numerous weekend afternoons at the beach at Big Creek. One Sunday afternoon we felt adventurous and got my parents boat and went out fishing.  We were lucky to find a honey hole and the kids had a great time catching fish after fish after fish.  Fishing was such a memorable part of my childhood that I want them to experience that too. Next time, Papa and Grandma need to come along too.

Who doesn't love watching 50-60 hot air balloons fly into the sky on a beautiful evening?  We love the Indianola Balloon Festival and enjoyed it this year with our dear friends the Nelsons.  To top it off, the Nadas played the evening we were there.

August:

Having season passes to the zoo we spend quite a bit of time there which is perfect. The kids have a great time, regardless as to how many times we have been there.  It's always fun to take the cousins with us too and enjoy the special events that happen year round.

You either love the Iowa State Fair or you hate it.  I'm a lover. Always have been.  Justin is, as are our kids.  We always look forward to this time of year.  There's something about experiencing something through the eye of a child.  This is the perfect place to do that. Although I'm always exhausted by the end of the day, it's always worth it.  I would always love an adult only evening at the fair but wouldn't trade my day off with the kiddos there.  Little Hands On The Farm, the baby animal farm, playing at the playground, mini donuts, lemonade, enjoying the Bill Riley Talent show while eating lunch, the giant slide, the sky glider....I could go on and on.

Being in high school, I spent many afternoons at the Ledges State Park.  I have always loved this place but didn't start venturing back there again until after we had kids.  It's a beautiful park, free entertainment and picnics are perfect there.

The downtown farmer's market is incredibly busy.  Regardless we usually make a trip there at least once during the summer.  I rarely buy produce, flowers or crafts but honestly we usually go for the food. Justin had to jump in the long line for his breakfast burrito, I usually enjoy a breakfast pizza, egg roll and Dutch letter, and the kids loved the live music this year.

I know I've said it a hundred times but we love living by Jester Park. They are planning to build a huge Conservation Center and a few weeks ago had a fundraiser for this. At the last second we decided to go and met a number of neighbors there.  It was amazing. They had a night walk where the kids learned about nocturnal animals, a prairie maze, crafts, smores to roast and the biggest bonfire I have ever seen!  I am so glad we ventured the 1 mile from our house to enjoy this.

Four Years Later

Four years ago, I was pregnant with the twins, home on bed rest, watching every single second of the Olympics. (I'd never wish 10 weeks of bed rest on anyone, but the timing of mine couldn't have been more ideal!).  It has taken me 4 years to finally put this story in writing.

I have put off writing this story many times for various reasons.  I think as a mother, we never want to show our weaknesses.  We often put on a front that everything is OK, when maybe it isn’t always. Yet, we see lots of other mothers balancing jobs, 2 to 3 kids, and a wonderful marriage and think we should be able to do the same thing too.  In all honesty, I’ve realized that no one is flawless-it took me a while to come to this realization however.  It's OK to be vulnerable.  

I am pretty certain now, without a doubt, that I suffered some version of PTSD after the birth of my twins.  At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but maybe if I had read other stories similar to mine, it would have made more sense. 

Without going into too many details, the birth of my twins was not what I thought it would be.  After a perfect labor and delivery of my first child, I expected the same.  It wasn’t.  Surprisingly, my contractions were manageable with the twins and I didn’t feel a need for any pain medication. However, knowing that there is a slight possibility that after I delivered one twin a c-section would be needed, I wanted to have an epidural in place for the anesthesia.  This was mistake number one.  It wasn’t in the correct location and I nearly passed out when my blood pressure dropped. This happened twice so I never did receive any pain medication through it.  Then as luck would have it, at change of shift for the nurses, it was go time.  Per protocol for the hospital, I had to deliver in the OR.  This was absolutely the most uncomfortable place to deliver, and the amount of people shoved inside that tiny OR was absurd.  If I wasn’t in such a hurry to deliver these babies, I would have asked some people to leave.  Baby A was delivered rather quickly and I was able to briefly see her and hear a little whimper before she was rushed across the hall to where the neonatologist was.  My husband left my side to go with her.  That was absolutely gut-wrenching.  Knowing I carried this little girl for 8 months, (they were 5 weeks early), I wanted to be the first to hold her. Instead some stranger, whose voice she had never heard, held her before I did.  I didn’t get that skin to skin contact mothers anxiously wait for, or have the opportunity to see her eyes open and gaze up at me while she rested on my chest.  My labor continued, without any familiar face around me or hand to hold, as my husband was 25 yards away from me making sure our little girl was OK. 

Lauren

Baby B’s delivery took a little longer and was definitely not pain-free. I still remember asking the anesthesiologist if he could give me something to take the edge off and my OB stating “you must be doing OK because you would really be feeling what I’m doing down here.”  I was furious that he didn’t believe I was in pain because I wasn’t screaming out.  Eleven minutes after Baby A was born, Baby B was born.  I don’t think I was even shown his face, or if I did, I don’t remember that moment at all.  Like Baby A, he was whisked away across the hall to be tended to by strangers.  Justin joined him over there and was able to go up to the NICU while I laid on the OR table being tended to.  I don’t think I had ever felt more alone at that moment; my best friend and the two newest additions to our family were separated from me.  

If I thought that was the most challenging part of this journey, it definitely wasn't.  Leaving the hospital two days later while without my two children was very challenging.  I felt so empty and incomplete.  For nearly 10 weeks, I laid supine eating nothing but protein, drinking an absurd amount of water, attempting to limit my trips to the bathroom, and getting through the horrible complications of intrahepatic cholestasis to keep these babies growing to limit complications of prematurity. I didn't change their first diaper or do their first bath.  My voice wasn't the last voice they heard before they fell asleep, nor was it the first voice they heard when they awoke for a middle of the night feeding.  Instead, miles away at home, I attached myself to the pump every two hours staring at pictures of my two little ones on my phone, just wishing they were home with me.

After getting my oldest ready for school in the morning, I would make the trek to the hospital, hoping to find a parking spot before being buzzed back to the NICU just in time for the neonatologist to make rounds.  I found these mornings very frustrating as my twins continued to take steps backwards rather than forwards.  Because my blood type is O- and Justin's is A+, they both had a positive coomb's test.  For days and days, we watched as their bilirubin levels increased.  I questioned every day why they weren't being placed under the bili lights until finally a different neonatologist came through and finally ordered them.

My time holding and caring for the twins was already limited as we wanted them to rest as much as possible so they could focus all their energy on eating their bottles or nursing but that time decreased even more when they were placed under the lights.  Since their bilirubin levels were so high, they were both under the lights for 3 days. Finally their sun bathing days were over and we could focus on feeding.

If you have ever had a preemie, this is the most frustrating process.  Each child had to consume a certain number of milliliters at each feeding. If he or she failed to finish their bottle, the rest would be gavaged through a feeding tube.  (Watching a feeding tube be placed down your little ones nose is an experience I wish I would have left the room for).  Day after day, bottles weren't finished, gavages were warranted, and my frustration grew.

I spent my days doing as much of their care as I could after they were out of the bili lights:  Changing diapers, checking their temperature, moving their pulse oximeter probe from foot to foot and silencing alarms when I probably wasn't supposed to but I.Was.So.Sick.Of.The.Beeping!  While they slept, I pumped attempting to find as much privacy as I could in their room, drank water and ate meals in the cafeteria.  And I prayed.  I just wanted my family under one roof.

Many evenings, Justin and Alena would come for a visit and we'd eat dinner in the cafeteria before the three of us would head home.  It was a struggle balancing my time between home with my other child and husband, and being at the hospital with the twins.  I knew having two new babies in the mix was going to be an adjustment for A, and I wanted her to know I was still her mommy so I spent many evenings at home caring for her before I would head back to the hospital after she went to sleep.

Every day I left that hospital without those two was heartbreaking.  These two weeks were the hardest two weeks of  my life. I would have done 20 weeks of bed rest, if it would have prevented 2 weeks of NICU stay.  Emotionally, I was a mess.  I was short tempered with everyone and felt like nobody knew what I was going through.  I only ate because I knew I needed calories to make breast milk.  I felt like that was all I was good for; producing milk for my preemie twins, because I wasn't able to care for them at home yet.  And I cried.  A lot.  Throughout this whole process, many people asked how the twins were doing, but no one bothered to ask how I was doing.  Honestly, I felt like I was drowning.  The only thing keeping me above water, was knowing the babies were healthy and would soon be coming home.  It just couldn't come soon enough for me.

It's always hard for me to adjust to something if it doesn't go the way I expect is to.  This was another example of that.

After a week, I had to do something. I couldn't keep sitting in their room, getting frustrated after every feeding they didn't finish, so I went back to work.  I love my job and knew I just needed to focus on something else.  My employer was so accommodating throughout my weeks of bed rest, allowing me to come back to work at this time, and still allowing me to take time off after the twins were home.  (My co-worker was also pregnant with twins at the same time and also ended up on bed rest with premature twins).

Finally after a little over 2 weeks in the NICU, I got a phone call one morning saying Caleb was ready to be discharged that day.  I was elated and dropped what I was doing and headed to the hospital.  Lauren came home two days later.  It was great to finally have my whole family together.

Car seat test-Caleb came home a couple days later

Caleb's first day home

It took months before I wasn't anxious every time I drove by that hospital, looking up at the windows where I laid for 3 weeks on hospital  bed rest, staring at the same 4 walls day after day. I still have anxiety when I go into that hospital. Thankfully that isn't the hospital I work at. I took a trip there about a month ago to see my aunt who was having surgery.  It was hard to walk through the main entrance.

I know I'm so grateful to have 2 healthy almost 4 year olds who had a short NICU stay and my complications could have been much worse.  Focusing on that has helped me get through this whole experience.  It is hard to believe we will be celebrating their 4th birthday in a little over a month!