Four years ago, I was pregnant with the twins, home on bed rest, watching every single second of the Olympics. (I'd never wish 10 weeks of bed rest on anyone, but the timing of mine couldn't have been more ideal!). It has taken me 4 years to finally put this story in writing.
I have put off writing this story many times for various reasons. I think as a mother, we never want to show our weaknesses. We often put on a front that everything is OK, when maybe it isn’t always. Yet, we see lots of other mothers balancing jobs, 2 to 3 kids, and a wonderful marriage and think we should be able to do the same thing too. In all honesty, I’ve realized that no one is flawless-it took me a while to come to this realization however. It's OK to be vulnerable.
I have put off writing this story many times for various reasons. I think as a mother, we never want to show our weaknesses. We often put on a front that everything is OK, when maybe it isn’t always. Yet, we see lots of other mothers balancing jobs, 2 to 3 kids, and a wonderful marriage and think we should be able to do the same thing too. In all honesty, I’ve realized that no one is flawless-it took me a while to come to this realization however. It's OK to be vulnerable.
I am pretty certain now, without a doubt, that I suffered some version of PTSD after the birth of my
twins. At the time, I didn’t know what
was wrong with me, but maybe if I had read other stories similar to mine, it
would have made more sense.
Without going into too many details, the birth of my twins
was not what I thought it would be.
After a perfect labor and delivery of my first child, I expected the
same. It wasn’t. Surprisingly, my contractions were manageable
with the twins and I didn’t feel a need for any pain medication. However,
knowing that there is a slight possibility that after I delivered one twin a
c-section would be needed, I wanted to have an epidural in place for the
anesthesia. This was mistake number
one. It wasn’t in the correct location
and I nearly passed out when my blood pressure dropped. This happened twice so
I never did receive any pain medication through it. Then as luck would have it, at change of
shift for the nurses, it was go time.
Per protocol for the hospital, I had to deliver in the OR. This was absolutely the most uncomfortable place
to deliver, and the amount of people shoved inside that tiny OR was absurd. If I wasn’t in such a hurry to deliver these
babies, I would have asked some people to leave. Baby A was delivered rather quickly and I was
able to briefly see her and hear a little whimper before she was rushed across
the hall to where the neonatologist was.
My husband left my side to go with her.
That was absolutely gut-wrenching.
Knowing I carried this little girl for 8 months, (they were 5 weeks
early), I wanted to be the first to hold her. Instead some stranger, whose voice
she had never heard, held her before I did.
I didn’t get that skin to skin contact mothers anxiously wait for, or
have the opportunity to see her eyes open and gaze up at me while she rested on
my chest. My labor continued, without
any familiar face around me or hand to hold, as my husband was 25 yards away
from me making sure our little girl was OK.
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| Lauren |
Baby B’s delivery took a little longer and was definitely
not pain-free. I still remember asking the anesthesiologist if he could give me
something to take the edge off and my OB stating “you must be doing OK because
you would really be feeling what I’m doing down here.” I was furious that he didn’t believe I was in
pain because I wasn’t screaming out. Eleven minutes after Baby A was born, Baby B was born. I don’t think I was even shown his face, or
if I did, I don’t remember that moment at all.
Like Baby A, he was whisked away across the hall to be tended to by
strangers. Justin joined him over there
and was able to go up to the NICU while I laid on the OR table being tended
to. I don’t think I had ever felt more
alone at that moment; my best friend and the two newest additions to our family were separated from me.
If I thought that was the most challenging part of this journey, it definitely wasn't. Leaving the hospital two days later while without my two children was very challenging. I felt so empty and incomplete. For nearly 10 weeks, I laid supine eating nothing but protein, drinking an absurd amount of water, attempting to limit my trips to the bathroom, and getting through the horrible complications of intrahepatic cholestasis to keep these babies growing to limit complications of prematurity. I didn't change their first diaper or do their first bath. My voice wasn't the last voice they heard before they fell asleep, nor was it the first voice they heard when they awoke for a middle of the night feeding. Instead, miles away at home, I attached myself to the pump every two hours staring at pictures of my two little ones on my phone, just wishing they were home with me.
After getting my oldest ready for school in the morning, I would make the trek to the hospital, hoping to find a parking spot before being buzzed back to the NICU just in time for the neonatologist to make rounds. I found these mornings very frustrating as my twins continued to take steps backwards rather than forwards. Because my blood type is O- and Justin's is A+, they both had a positive coomb's test. For days and days, we watched as their bilirubin levels increased. I questioned every day why they weren't being placed under the bili lights until finally a different neonatologist came through and finally ordered them.
My time holding and caring for the twins was already limited as we wanted them to rest as much as possible so they could focus all their energy on eating their bottles or nursing but that time decreased even more when they were placed under the lights. Since their bilirubin levels were so high, they were both under the lights for 3 days. Finally their sun bathing days were over and we could focus on feeding.
If you have ever had a preemie, this is the most frustrating process. Each child had to consume a certain number of milliliters at each feeding. If he or she failed to finish their bottle, the rest would be gavaged through a feeding tube. (Watching a feeding tube be placed down your little ones nose is an experience I wish I would have left the room for). Day after day, bottles weren't finished, gavages were warranted, and my frustration grew.
I spent my days doing as much of their care as I could after they were out of the bili lights: Changing diapers, checking their temperature, moving their pulse oximeter probe from foot to foot and silencing alarms when I probably wasn't supposed to but I.Was.So.Sick.Of.The.Beeping! While they slept, I pumped attempting to find as much privacy as I could in their room, drank water and ate meals in the cafeteria. And I prayed. I just wanted my family under one roof.
Many evenings, Justin and Alena would come for a visit and we'd eat dinner in the cafeteria before the three of us would head home. It was a struggle balancing my time between home with my other child and husband, and being at the hospital with the twins. I knew having two new babies in the mix was going to be an adjustment for A, and I wanted her to know I was still her mommy so I spent many evenings at home caring for her before I would head back to the hospital after she went to sleep.
Every day I left that hospital without those two was heartbreaking. These two weeks were the hardest two weeks of my life. I would have done 20 weeks of bed rest, if it would have prevented 2 weeks of NICU stay. Emotionally, I was a mess. I was short tempered with everyone and felt like nobody knew what I was going through. I only ate because I knew I needed calories to make breast milk. I felt like that was all I was good for; producing milk for my preemie twins, because I wasn't able to care for them at home yet. And I cried. A lot. Throughout this whole process, many people asked how the twins were doing, but no one bothered to ask how I was doing. Honestly, I felt like I was drowning. The only thing keeping me above water, was knowing the babies were healthy and would soon be coming home. It just couldn't come soon enough for me.
It's always hard for me to adjust to something if it doesn't go the way I expect is to. This was another example of that.
After a week, I had to do something. I couldn't keep sitting in their room, getting frustrated after every feeding they didn't finish, so I went back to work. I love my job and knew I just needed to focus on something else. My employer was so accommodating throughout my weeks of bed rest, allowing me to come back to work at this time, and still allowing me to take time off after the twins were home. (My co-worker was also pregnant with twins at the same time and also ended up on bed rest with premature twins).
Finally after a little over 2 weeks in the NICU, I got a phone call one morning saying Caleb was ready to be discharged that day. I was elated and dropped what I was doing and headed to the hospital. Lauren came home two days later. It was great to finally have my whole family together.
It took months before I wasn't anxious every time I drove by that hospital, looking up at the windows where I laid for 3 weeks on hospital bed rest, staring at the same 4 walls day after day. I still have anxiety when I go into that hospital. Thankfully that isn't the hospital I work at. I took a trip there about a month ago to see my aunt who was having surgery. It was hard to walk through the main entrance.
I know I'm so grateful to have 2 healthy almost 4 year olds who had a short NICU stay and my complications could have been much worse. Focusing on that has helped me get through this whole experience. It is hard to believe we will be celebrating their 4th birthday in a little over a month!
After getting my oldest ready for school in the morning, I would make the trek to the hospital, hoping to find a parking spot before being buzzed back to the NICU just in time for the neonatologist to make rounds. I found these mornings very frustrating as my twins continued to take steps backwards rather than forwards. Because my blood type is O- and Justin's is A+, they both had a positive coomb's test. For days and days, we watched as their bilirubin levels increased. I questioned every day why they weren't being placed under the bili lights until finally a different neonatologist came through and finally ordered them.
My time holding and caring for the twins was already limited as we wanted them to rest as much as possible so they could focus all their energy on eating their bottles or nursing but that time decreased even more when they were placed under the lights. Since their bilirubin levels were so high, they were both under the lights for 3 days. Finally their sun bathing days were over and we could focus on feeding.
If you have ever had a preemie, this is the most frustrating process. Each child had to consume a certain number of milliliters at each feeding. If he or she failed to finish their bottle, the rest would be gavaged through a feeding tube. (Watching a feeding tube be placed down your little ones nose is an experience I wish I would have left the room for). Day after day, bottles weren't finished, gavages were warranted, and my frustration grew.
I spent my days doing as much of their care as I could after they were out of the bili lights: Changing diapers, checking their temperature, moving their pulse oximeter probe from foot to foot and silencing alarms when I probably wasn't supposed to but I.Was.So.Sick.Of.The.Beeping! While they slept, I pumped attempting to find as much privacy as I could in their room, drank water and ate meals in the cafeteria. And I prayed. I just wanted my family under one roof.
Many evenings, Justin and Alena would come for a visit and we'd eat dinner in the cafeteria before the three of us would head home. It was a struggle balancing my time between home with my other child and husband, and being at the hospital with the twins. I knew having two new babies in the mix was going to be an adjustment for A, and I wanted her to know I was still her mommy so I spent many evenings at home caring for her before I would head back to the hospital after she went to sleep.
Every day I left that hospital without those two was heartbreaking. These two weeks were the hardest two weeks of my life. I would have done 20 weeks of bed rest, if it would have prevented 2 weeks of NICU stay. Emotionally, I was a mess. I was short tempered with everyone and felt like nobody knew what I was going through. I only ate because I knew I needed calories to make breast milk. I felt like that was all I was good for; producing milk for my preemie twins, because I wasn't able to care for them at home yet. And I cried. A lot. Throughout this whole process, many people asked how the twins were doing, but no one bothered to ask how I was doing. Honestly, I felt like I was drowning. The only thing keeping me above water, was knowing the babies were healthy and would soon be coming home. It just couldn't come soon enough for me.
It's always hard for me to adjust to something if it doesn't go the way I expect is to. This was another example of that.
After a week, I had to do something. I couldn't keep sitting in their room, getting frustrated after every feeding they didn't finish, so I went back to work. I love my job and knew I just needed to focus on something else. My employer was so accommodating throughout my weeks of bed rest, allowing me to come back to work at this time, and still allowing me to take time off after the twins were home. (My co-worker was also pregnant with twins at the same time and also ended up on bed rest with premature twins).
Finally after a little over 2 weeks in the NICU, I got a phone call one morning saying Caleb was ready to be discharged that day. I was elated and dropped what I was doing and headed to the hospital. Lauren came home two days later. It was great to finally have my whole family together.
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| Car seat test-Caleb came home a couple days later |
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| Caleb's first day home |
I know I'm so grateful to have 2 healthy almost 4 year olds who had a short NICU stay and my complications could have been much worse. Focusing on that has helped me get through this whole experience. It is hard to believe we will be celebrating their 4th birthday in a little over a month!
