However, I did recently finish a book that I recommend EVERY parent read.
I not only learned a lot about how to be a better mother, I also learned a lot about myself and my relationships with everyone; adults and children alike. I found myself relating to the author's personality, likes/dislikes, and story so much it was impossible not to feel like one of her friends. And most importantly, it was nice to know that there are other mothers who I can relate with out there.
Whew, parenting has been very challenging lately. Being a working mom means the time you spend with your children is often the most difficult periods of the day: Early morning, when everyone is still half asleep, and early evening, when everyone is tired, hungry and cranky from their 10 hour day. It's hard.
Parenting two infants at once was challenging, but two 3 year olds is about to put us over the edge. One moment they are getting along fine, the next second, Caleb grabs something that is very precious to Lauren and runs away from her, teasing her the entire way. This usually ends in Lauren crying and screaming and eventually after asking him many times, Caleb will return the prized possession. It then takes Lauren quite a while to calm down before it is inevitable the "game" will start again. Mothers should wear black and white striped shirts and carry whistles around their neck because most of the time I feel like a referee. Throw in a third child who is exhausted from her day, starving, and left her listening ears at school, and you can bet I am on edge at dinner time when I just got home and need to whip up a meal STAT!
With all the chaos of the last 12 months, we went into parenting survival mode: Do whatever it takes to get through the day. Not only were Justin and I stressed to the max, but the kids could sense that too. Over the last few months, I realized we were spending way too much time raising our voices towards our three precious children. Not all day long or even every day, but definitely more often than we ever had. No, we weren't screaming down their throats. We had just taken our voices to another octave hoping to get our point across. This caused significant mommy/daddy guilt, didn't help with any of the situations, and most importantly, didn't help strengthen our relationships with our children. I went to bed many nights wondering if I was cut out for this parenting thing, (obviously 3 children too late, huh?).
I had to do a lot of soul searching during this time. I felt like I was growing farther and farther away from my children, when it should be the other way around. What was wrong with me?
The author talks about the time when she "hit rock bottom." It was the moment when she knew she needed to change her parenting strategy. I had one of those moments: It was a Saturday and I was parenting alone. We had just finished lunch and I was cleaning things up, hoping to get the twins down for their nap soon. The girls were done eating and I had gone into the other room to grab something. When I came back I heard Alena tell Lauren: "You better go wash your hands or mom will yell at you." Oh. My. Goodness. Why is my six year old even worrying about that, let alone telling her sister this? Have I really done that? Obviously, not a proud moment in my life.
It was a few days later when I was browsing through the parenting books at the Des Moines Public Library that I found the pink and orange covered book above. This is such a quick read and as I said before, I found myself relating perfectly to the author's story.
Some important points in the book:
-The book makes you really focus on what your triggers are for yelling/raising your voice/whatever you want to call it. This was so helpful. Many of my triggers have nothing to do with my children. Most of my triggers are my own issues: I'm hungry, tired, had a bad day at work, have too much on my plate, haven't exercised, etc. It's very hard to put myself first, but I learned I have to in order to have a happy, peaceful household.
-L.O.V.E. In any situation where a child is upset, think about this acronym: L-Listen. O-Observe. V-Verify his/her emotion. E-Empathize with the child. I'm still working on this one. My sweet L is a little emotional, (mostly when her basic needs haven't been met). So some days there are a lot of tears in our household. I try to use this acronym when she is upset. Even though she has a fabulous vocabulary I think she is still working on using her language to tell us what she needs. We are really hopeful this stage passes soon because 3+ years of this definitely tests your patience.
-The book reminds you to think about who your audience is. Do you care that the entire Target store is watching you as your three children run around like monkeys not listening to a single word you are saying? Although I would like to answer "yes!," the author reminds you that your most important audience is your children. You shouldn't change how you parent whether you have witnesses or not. Your children are your most important audience and you should do everything you can to please them.
- "At Least:" This is another good concept to remember. Things could always be worse. The other day I was making cookies with my cousin's little ones and my oldest. One of them turned the mixer up to the highest speed and flour went everywhere. "Well, at least we can still finish the cookies," is what went through my mind. Where previously I would have thought, "what a mess I have to clean up now!"
-The last important concept is to identify what symptoms you experience prior to feeling like you want to raise your voice. When these surface, you can first realize it, and then you can do something before things escalate. I know what my symptoms are now so I can leave the room or refocus on something else. My favorite thing to do when these symptoms occur is exercise, whether that is standing right where I am and dropping to the ground for some mountain climbers or push ups or jogging around the house. Exercises immediately calms me down and sends happy endorphins into my little brain :). My kids wonder what mommy is doing but sometimes join along.
The author also mentions yelling at something inanimate, rather than directing it at your children if you feel a need to yell. I thought this was really weird when I read it but one day I actually felt a need to do this and yelled at the kitchen sink during a meal with the little ones. They thought it was hilarious and it made us all laugh.
This book was eye opening and definitely a life changer for me. My husband isn't a huge reader so I made sure to tell him about all the pertinent parts and we are both focusing on yelling less and loving more. It is already a more peaceful home.
(Obviously this took a lot of honesty to write. Many times I contemplated erasing the entire post. It's hard to be this open BUT maybe other mothers/fathers will find this book as helpful as we have).
